Insecurity

Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you’re in my head?
‘Cause I know that it’s delicate
~ Delicate, Taylor Swift

I was inspired the other day by the movie Call Me By Your Name, and in particular one scene where the question gets asked “Is it better to speak or to die?” 2018 is about becoming more vulnerable, and using my voice to speak within these blogs, and using the power of music to help translate my words.

I have to start this out by saying I’m BLESSED beyond words to have the most amazing group of friends in my life. They are my sounding board, my confidants, and the people I go to when I need advice, to vent, or to just help me figure out my life.

Lately I’ve been questioning a lot about myself and why I struggle when it comes to finding a boyfriend. I see couples who make it look so easy, others who are always meeting someone new when they are ready without a problem, and some who bounce from relationship to relationship without pause. Here I am struggling to make it to 3 or 4 dates let alone a month of dating, before the struggle begins. It starts with are we just friends or is this going somewhere and if it is going somewhere, what is going on between us. For years now it’s been a few dates, before it fizzles out and the “I just want to be friends” happens, which is normally fine if I haven’t developed feelings or felt used by the situation. Which makes me beg the questions: “What’s wrong with me?” “Why can’t I find a guy who’s into me?” “Am I doing something wrong?” the list is endless some days.

When I reflect on past relationships and guys I’ve dated, I start to over analyze what worked and what didn’t, because all you can do is learn from your past. I was lucky enough to have met someone in my early 20’s that I loved. In the end it fell apart because we weren’t perfect for each other, and that’s not a bad thing. I look back at that time and realize that it was a blessing not because of the person, but because I now know what being in love with someone felt like, and what it takes to be in a relationship, which I feel is lost on people some days.

Oh, did I say too much?
I’m so in my head
When we’re out of touch
I really really really really really really like you
And I want you. Do you want me? Do you want me too?
~ I Really Like You, Carly Rae Jepsen

Admit it we’ve all been less then fortunate to “date/hang out” with our fair share of douche bags. I just seem to have had a few too many in my life lately. So many in fact that there aren’t many men I’ve dated/hung out with lately that I can say I’ve mutually parted with on good terms, but to those few and far between men thanks for being class acts.

I think it’s because of the assholes that have come along, I’m extremely guarded when it comes to my emotions and feelings, and even more so when introducing them to my circle of friends. Because there’s nothing better then bringing a guy you’ve been hanging out with around your friends, have them approve of him, to only have him ghost from your life (yes i’m still waiting for a response 2 years later about how his work trip went). Then there were the guys who felt it was appropriate to basically dump you in public, at a bar or during some pride event, and those who just use you for what you can offer them, whether that’s an event, meeting people that I know, or heck even just sex (and not being honest about that being all they want).

Every little glance my way
Every time you wanted to hang
You seemed so interested
Could you tell me was it real or was it all in my head
~ All In My Head, Tori Kelly

I know I’m flawed like everyone is in some way or another. Specifically I doubt myself constantly, wonder if I’m good enough and am extremely self conscious about everything. Not being great with my emotions, not being vulnerable, not opening up to someone until it’s too late, or not making a move when I should, I swear are just a few things that haunt me.

Lately it has seemed like when I do fall for a guy it happens pretty quickly (I guess the heart does know what it wants Selena), and when I do I have a habit of over texting, which comes across I’m sure as clingy, but that’s hardly it at all. Personally I enjoy chatting with someone I’m into, I’m a gemini we are big on communication. What drives me crazy though is once a consistent rhythm is established, I have expectations of the consistency continuing, and once the consistency ends I start to get anxious that I’ve done something wrong, hence my self doubt,  being self conscious and over analyzing everything I do. Yes I know not everyone has their phone near them all the time or enjoys texting like I do, but there is something to be said about consistency that eases our minds.

So look I get it, I’m probably a tad messed up when it comes to dating and searching for a man, but then I see that other people who struggle with the same things I do, and yet they seem to be doing well in the dating world. I realize that dating these days is hard, online dating makes finding someone as easy as swiping right on their photos. But I still ask my self where do I screw things up?

Do I have too high of standards? I mean lets be honest I have a type… ask any of my friends, we all do. Some like tall other short, facial hair vs. clean cut, etc… I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a type, because lets face it, if you aren’t attracted to the person, you aren’t going to want to wake up next to that person in the future. I know my type, dorky, cute, my height or shorter, likes sports, traveling, music, a bonus if they can communicate consistently, and can be a workout buddy occasionally. So no I don’t think my standards high, but I wonder if the person I described is out there, and are they looking for someone like me or some one completely different?

I know this blog won’t answer my questions, but as one of my 2018 goals is to be more vulnerable, write more and create a more social platform, I thought this was worth writing. This mix obviously is based insecurities as the title may have given away. The mix is a compilation of songs that reflect the emotions I go through when I question, why I get insecure and why I things didn’t work out. The second line of the quote below may describe this mix perfectly…

“When you’re happy you enjoy the music.
When you’re sad you understand the lyrics.”

Download

Tracklist:
1. Delicate – Taylor Swift
2. If I Get My Way – Little Mix
3. Got You – Matt Terry
4. Just A Dream – Nelly
5. Shattered Heart – Brandy
6. Bad At Love – Halsey
7. Boy Problems – Carly Rae Jepsen
8. Things I Didn’t Say – Adam Lambert
9. Runnin’ (Lose It All) [Feat. Beyonce & Arrow Benjamin]
10. Why Is Love So Hard To Find? – Jesse McCartney
11. It Takes More – Jordin Sparks
12. Dancing With Our Hands Tied – Taylor Swift
13. Dark Side – Kelly Clarkson
14. Nobody Knows – P!nk
15. Try With Me – Nicole Scherzinger
16. Demons – The Wanted
17. I Really Like You – Carly Rae Jepsen
18. Come Back… Be Here – Taylor Swift
19. Grand Piano – Nicki Minaj
20. Underneath – Adam Lambert
21. Secret Love Song, Pt II – Little Mix
22. The Feeling [Feat. Halsey] – Justin Bieber
23. All In My Head – Tori Kelly
24. Seasons – Olly Murs
25. Thinking ‘Bout You – Dua Lipa
26. Quit Playing Games (With My Heart) – Backstreet Boys
27. Try – Matt Terry
28. Human – Cher Lloyd
29. Big Girls Cry – Sia
30. Damaged – Danity Kane

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